Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Battle of the Poopers

Men always question why women go to the bathrooms in groups. Until today I had never really questioned the act myself. It just happens that we go in groups. Maybe we need that social interaction. Maybe it's biological, strength in numbers, protection from potential predators, or maybe it is just the left over primal instinct of flocking. However, today I witnessed a woman who wished she was alone.

Before I get into that subject I have a question to ask. Why is it soooo taboo to fart? Publicly, I can understand its grotesqueness. I think it's quite comical, but in a bathroom shouldn’t it be safe to let it rip? Although not private per se, so…….. why isn’t this behavior acceptable? Women will go great lengths to conceal their gas publicly. Ask any woman about the "waiting 'till flush" maneuver to pass gas unheard. The noise of the flush is usually loud enough in public bathrooms to conceal an audible fart. Sometimes outside participant flushing doesn’t happen so we'll even flush our own toilets to provide background noise. Never more than once though, because we don't want the rest of the women in the bathroom, who are complete strangers mind you, to know we're using the "waiting 'till flush" maneuver.

Women are anal. We can hold explosive bouts of diarrhea for extremely long periods of time. Along with the "waiting 'till flush" maneuver I am guilty of being a bit anal myself. Gods forbid someone know that you ate something really raunchy about 4 hours previously and now it has made its tremulous decent violently through your intestines. Women will suffer minutes if they have to waiting it out for a flush or for the other participants to leave the bathroom. Why is it soo taboo to poop or fart in public? Hell everyone does it. Just think about that guys, that totally hot super model you jerk off to has taken an explosive shit somewhere in a public bathroom at some point in her life.

Today I sat in the middle of a cross fire of dueling poopers. I entered the restroom, in which there are 4 stalls. My usual stall, the first one was occupied. So I took the last. Yes, I had eaten some La Costena hot sauce the night before and it was ready to exit, in a hurry none the less with all the burning force of jalapeno hemorrhoids. Since it was just the two of us in the restroom, it wasn't busy enough for the "wait 'till flush" maneuver. I decided to wait her out. Surely the other person in the stall next to me would be leaving soon. Well I waited. No sound came from the opposing stall. No tinkling, no reverberating of the toilet paper roll, no movement, just silence. There we were the battling poopers waiting for the other to leave so we could RElive. The girl in the other stall had greater skills than I. I applaud her anal retentive abilities for I gave up and headed out to find another empty bathroom. Ashamed? Why yes, a bodily function has made me resort to the middle school behavior of finding an new lunch table to "sit" at. Why couldn't we just sit and enjoy the company and poop together. Isn't that the womanly thing to do?